Are you suffering from a Valentine’s Day hangover? Being a day that represents true love, it tends to get magnified and inflicts undue pressure. We shower people we care about with love and if we are honest, we want a few sprinkles from that shower reciprocated. We can say, “it’s just another day,” and that’s true, however, it’s also true that as humans we’re wired for connection with others and to feel we belong. As uncomfortable as it might be to accept the fact that we all need connection with others, it is a hard truth worthy of our attention.
The first step to true love is being true to yourself. This is where the “break up” comes in. It’s no easy task to undo all the beliefs and behaviors that leave us feeling abandoned and alone. However, if we continue looking outside of ourselves for that shower of love, we will always feel scorched.
Speaking from experience in my journey to loving and being true to myself, I echo Neil Sedaka’s lyrics from the sixties, “They say that breaking up is hard to do, now I know, I know that it’s true.” I am a recovering clinger, I resisted breaking up at every turn, I was always sure that I could make everything work if I just try harder. I clung to people, jobs, and things that clearly were not serving my highest good and were begging to be blessed and sent on their way. The resistance to letting go of people, jobs, and things, were fed by deceptive habits and behaviors that my true self was begging to break up with. My brain was standing by waiting to serve me and my body was showing all the signs of an SOS.
My first breakup was with people-pleasing. It was an intense relationship so it called for a slow, steady, and gentle letting go. Like a relationship with a person, it was a package deal, my people-pleasing had many friends and family, or should I say accomplices, who felt the pang of the breakup.
Breaking up is hard to do. Even the accomplices started to squirm – perfectionism, comparing, fixing, and the need for approval were quick to squawk, clinging to me desperately as if it was life or death. There was a prideful ruthlessness about them led by none other than my inner critic. This made me realize it was always about them and never about me. If we all need connection with others, then I must feel connected to myself first. Breakups are hard but they don’t have to be ugly. My habits and behaviors were well-intended but way out of balance. There is a time to break up, bless people, jobs, things, behaviors, and habits and send them on their way.
As odd as it may sound, once the breakup began, the habits and behaviors stopped being so clingy and the urge to grab all the gusto of life, as if there was a shortage, fell away. My brain and body felt peaceful and content. On most days the shower of love is given and received. Breaking up is hard to do, but you are worth it!
What do you need to break up with in order to Make 2022 About You?
Join me for a free event “Make 2022 About You!” on Wednesday, March 2, 2022, 6 -7 pm ET
Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids
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