You can learn more about strengthening your social
and emotional muscles at a free virtual pop-up event Navigating Life’s Transitions – You Are Not Alone, Thursday, October 14, 2021, 7-8pm ET.
Grab your spot here:
Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids
Yep, this pretty much describes how a multitude of parents and teachers are feeling right now, exposed and vulnerable. Virtual schooling has pulled back the curtain on classrooms and living rooms across the country leaving parents and teachers feeling very weak and very helpless. The pandemic has caused most of us to feel off center, and certainly not on top of our game and yet for parents and teachers, ready or not, it’s virtual “showtime.”
Can you imagine what it must be like to perform before an audience without a rehearsal or two and no supporting cast? That’s exactly what the actors in this virtual showtime are doing. To say they have anxiety is an understatement, worse though is the relentless and harsh inner critic; the voice in their head telling them they’re not good enough. We would never say that to our children/students. We allow them the space to learn, problem solve and experiment. Most importantly, we provide them with a supporting cast to guide them in their academic, social and emotional journey.
But where are the understudies for parents and teachers? There aren’t any and never have been. For decades society has exerted relentless pressure in their demands for an academy award winning performance from teachers and parents without having any skin in the game. Educating children requires a team of supporters who are invested in the outcome. For too long parents and teachers have been acting “as if they can handle it all.” They can’t, the curtain has been pulled back, and it’s no shame on them. But the energy reserves are wearing thin and soon to be exhausted. With kids, we only get one chance to get it right. Parents and teachers get this, its time to get everyone else engaged in the performance.
Here’s an idea!
Then our audience of children, will be giving us the standing ovation that we have always deserved.
You can learn more about strengthening your social
and emotional muscles at a free virtual pop-up event Navigating Life’s Transitions – You Are Not Alone, Thursday, October 14, 2021, 7-8pm ET.
Grab your spot here:
Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids
Back to school was always a hard time for me. It catapulted me into the reality of how quickly time passes and forced me to once again face another transition. I confess, I was never one who moved through transitions very smoothly. I kicked into control freak mode while presenting an outwardly calm facade. It never got easy, leaving my screaming three-year-old with the preschool teacher or dropping her off, a very frightened college student, 700 miles away from home.
The dilemma I now realize as a parent of adult children is that there were actually two transitions going on, mine and my child’s transition. If I had been aware of all the feelings that I cleverly tapped down and controlled, I could have tended to myself in a loving and compassionate way, and been able to bring a more grounded, calm, confident parent forward to support my child in the changes she was experiencing.
I confess, my social and emotional muscles were weak and, in all truth, I don’t think they were ever fully developed, that is until bigger transitions were at my doorstep. Transitions whether voluntary or in-voluntary are hard. After all, we are stepping into the unknown which is scary. No one escapes them. Our kids move out, go to college, get married, babies are born, there are job changes, relocation, promotions, breakups, divorces, illnesses, second marriages, we lose friends, parents and siblings. It’s frightening to boldly look at all the emotions that come with these changes. They all have endings and beginnings exactly in that order. As much as we may resist, transitions are an opportunity to grow. It takes heaps of courage to let go and allow our children their own journey of growth and even a bolder step to be vulnerable and face down our own.
It’s hard to admit, but underneath that heart-wrenching good bye as my screaming three-year-old clung to my leg begging me not to leave her and then as an 18-year-old saying, “mom, I don’t think I can do this,” were lots of feelings. The powerlessness of seeing her so scared to take this next step, the second guessing myself on whether this was the right move for her, and where does all this leave me? As ridiculous as it sounds there was also the thought that perhaps it was easier to have her close so we could both be less scared. Rather than taking a pause and letting those emotions come forward, I skipped right over them, defaulting to my most familiar avoidant strategy, control. The lines of whose feelings were whose were definitely blurred.
In reflecting back, I realize that in all the transitions with my children from birth to being a grandparent (a Barbie), I often stunted my personal growth. I was so excited to see them experience their first step. I naturally stepped back and cheered them on. The courage it took to get up on two feet, wobbling, then after many failed attempts and lots of perseverance they were off walking. The first step of many. Oh, the dismay in my realizing now that my child’s first step was a metaphor for how to raise my children. They’re the ones doing the walking, not me. My job was to step back and let them do the work and do the learning. Allow them to walk through life, don’t carry them. Stand by, be their best cheerleader. As painful as their journey is to watch, it was selfish of me to rob them of the opportunity to grow and it was cruel to deny myself personal growth.
Being my own judge and jury, I am guilty as charged. I carried them more often than I care to admit. It’s the seemingly innocent stuff like doing the chores they were supposed to do, over involving myself with their homework (okay, I admit I did the entire 4th grade project myself), doing their laundry when they came home from college, or doling out cash in support of their dreams. If only I had had a huge dose of social and emotional learning. With that muscle developed, I would have been more aware, made more responsible parenting decisions, sought support from trusted resources, and managed my emotions and relationships much more gracefully. A constant pattern of placing their dreams ahead of my dreams was a recipe for disaster for me and my children. My day of reckoning came (better late than never) when we both were struggling to know what we wanted to be when we grow up. That “what’s my purpose” thankfully is the underlying feeling that keeps popping up.
I suspect I am not alone. In fact, I know I’m not. Every day I coach parents, grandparents and great grandparents who are coming close or have hit that day of reckoning. The best gift we can give our children is to do the hard work and heart work of our own social and emotional development so we can know what we are feeling and face our vulnerability with loving kindness. I am here to say, I have lived it to give it, and once we put this into practice, we will start to develop a more fearless heart space for our children. It is this heart space where they too can become the socially and emotionally healthy people that we desire and that the world needs.
You can learn more about strengthening your social and emotional muscles at a free virtual pop-up event Navigating Life’s Transitions – You Are Not Alone, Thursday, October 14, 2021, 7-8pm ET.
Grab your spot here:
This webinar will give parents of teens the knowledge they need regarding youth culture online. Focused on pornography, this webinar will include: Pop culture and the history of pornography; gender differences in how teens learn about sex and relationships; the research on teens and their porn use and other media experiences; and an overview of the role of media in violence perpetration and victimization and how parents should respond.
When we are called to be a Servant Leader (that is our service is to others), we often never think that the first place to be compassionate is to ourselves. During this time together a few simple steps will be shared on ways to put yourself at the center of the compassion circle and why this is so important to your life and to those you serve.
An Event hosted by Parenting Awareness Michigan with a guest speaker from Parent Action for Healthy Kids, Barb Flis.
March 18th, 1pm – 2pm.
Register in advance to attend this zoom virtual meeting.
Recess for most of us and for kids today, was and still is one of the best parts of the school day. It’s time to get a break from the classroom, run around, play, climb, socialize, or just sit under a tree and contemplate. Over the last two decades, recess has been shortened, cut back, and in some cases, cut out completely to give way to a more rigorous schedule. Its only savior has been the research revealing the undeniable benefits recess has for improved focus, academic success and overall physical and emotional well-being. It’s an interesting social phenomenon that we’ll take a stand for and insist on for our children but won’t insist on it for ourselves.
As I work with parents, teachers, and school leaders, I always come away with a jaw-dropping list of topics to blog about. How lucky am I to bear witness to the love, care, and determination so willingly given to make it work for students under quite unworkable circumstances? My vision is to raise the important work of families and schools and bring attention to the uniqueness of their roles. Unique because they don’t do it for the financial gain (quite the contrary for parents), they do it for the moral compensation which can’t be measured.
Today, my heart is heavy. I can’t bring myself to offer an ounce of encouragement to “stay with it” or to say, “keep going, you’ve got this”. The behind the scenes view is troubling. The 24/7 grind is showing. No matter who I met in recent weeks, parent, teacher, building principal or superintendent, they looked bone-weary, dare I say physically and emotionally bankrupt. So, with things so dire, taking a break, going out for recess seems like a logical thing to do, but then why isn’t it happening?
As dubious as it sounds, its guilt, and there is an outpouring of it! And let’s face it, honest to goodness self-care just isn’t popular! Not to mention the unfounded shame involved. We perceive that setting a boundary to take care of yourself and saying, “I need a break,” will cause judgment to be cast upon us. It might appear that you’re not doing your job or you’re not keeping pace or worst of all, you don’t care. No doubt, that perception is accurate; however, the logic is skewed. When we by-pass our exhaustion and our feelings, we pay a price and, spoiler alert, the kids pay a price too. Think about it, we’re modeling for our children that it’s not who we are that matters, it’s what we do that reigns supreme. Yep, Big Ouch!!!
There is a cure for this pandemic of self-neglect, but it takes courage and most important, baby steps. Parents and educators have been generous in granting grace to each other, now it’s time to extend that same grace to ourselves. Can you find five minutes a day? Good, use the five minutes to try these three simple things:
Take a deep breath. Stand up, get your feet on the ground. Close your eyes and take a deep breath and hold it until you feel the tension, then release. Do this three times. This will help you ground yourself. The exhale will help you release and rejuvenate.
Draw an imaginary arm’s length circle around you. This is your boundary. The space you take up in the world. It is what you have control of and the knowing of what you value. This boundary helps you to feel safe and protect what is important to you.
Get quiet and notice one sound in the room. This is your sacred time to come back to yourself, the wise, unique you. Allow and notice all of your feelings. Don’t ignore the vulnerable parts, like the fear, worry, anxiety, confusion, anger. We spend a lot of energy pushing away feelings rather than honoring them. This quiet time heightens your intuition which is always there and paying attention. It is what helps orient you to change.
I have seen countless wise teachers, stop instruction because the kids desperately needed to get out on the playground and move. The school bell is ringing for the caretakers. Let’s grace ourselves with a five-minute recess. If I haven’t convinced you, then let me just say this, the best way to love your child is to love yourself.
Here is to a happy, healthy and memorable school year!
Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids
When my kids started school decades ago, I found September to be more of a milestone for me than their birthdays. Because my educational experience was less than ideal, I was apprehensive about whether I was going to be able to hold up my end of the educational deal between teacher and parent. Each year, I felt like I was climbing a higher mountain in their educational journey. Briskly moving from simple colors and letters in kindergarten, to high school physics class, fear became a frequent visitor.
I truly don’t know what parents are going through today raising and educating a child during a pandemic. But I do know the fear and doubt that are ever-present as a parent. Rather than give you sympathy and be a co-conspirator which only serves to feed your fear and doubt, I am going to offer you something much better, hope. Hope along with the opportunity for social and emotional learning for both you and your child that will last long after the pandemic is over.
What saved me from plummeting down the K-12 education mountain were the teachers. Thankfully, my fear forced me to crack open the door just a little to admitting I needed help; and there, standing by willing and able, was a teacher. I have hung around teachers for decades and one thing I know for sure, they’re suckers when it comes to teaching. They are educators to the core. They helped this frightened little Momma and showed me the way. So much so that when my oldest daughter graduated from high school, those same teachers told me now it was my turn. “You are one smart cookie, go back to college, and get your degree.” This smart and still frightened little cookie listened and soon thereafter ensued a bachelors and masters degree and my twentieth year in business connecting parents and teachers.
I urge you to get your hiking boots on and climb this mountain one step at a time. When reflecting on my journey here is what I can pass along for you to consider:
Here are a few things you can consider:
I was with a group of teachers last week, and I can tell you they are feeling all of the same emotions that you are. As is the case for everyone, life has been flipped upside down. What came through loud and clear however was a “can do” spirit in each of them. They are determined to create an environment where students can learn. They will do the heavy lifting which will be made easier with parents by their side.
Here is to a happy, healthy and memorable school year!
Barbara Flis,
Founder Parent Action for Healthy Kids
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